The Brothers' Trail

Bling

2012-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

The Bling says it all.

It was a good gymnastics meet for Big A.

No Fighting in 2012

2012-01-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

"The second person starts the fight as they are the one that has the choice to walk away. Without a second, there is no fight."

I love this!

I know this is not the most cheerful way to start 2012, but I am trying to live it, and I love it.

Our RAD kiddo is always eager to start a fight, and I too often take the bait. Fortunately, I am getting too old for the battles, and I now know better.

Whether it is with Lexa, my husband, or Andrew, I am learning to walk away, and it feels much better than the screaming matches. (Typing this, I just realized, Adam and I never ever fight.)

There it is, my simple plan to improve our family life. I started this several weeks ago, and the changes have been remarkable. I hope 2012 bring much more success.

Thanks to my best friend for helping me embrace this wisdom. I love you Mom.

It is Nice to be Perfect

2011-12-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

At dinner we brought out the 'Family Talk' cards ... the question was:

'If you could change one thing about your parents, what would it be and why?

Andrew comes up with a long list of changes Dad needs to make, but when he came to me he said:

'Mom, well she is pretty perfect.'

Merry Christmas to Me .... Could there be any better gift? NO WAY!!!

I think you are pretty perfect too!

Classic Adamism

2011-12-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Adam is learning about money in math.

The question was: How do you get $9.32?

Adam's response: You go to the bank.

This is so typical of Adam... he gives a correct answer, but not the typical answer.

Gotta love the creativity.

Homeschooling is SO Time Consuming

2011-12-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

I continue to hope that I will have time for a little of 'my' life, but it just does not happen.
I continue to adjust to life with the boys at home ALL THE TIME. We do school from 9am to 3pm everyday, and then we do gymnastics, swimming or dance from 4pm until 7pm. Then from 7pm until 8pm we get ready for bed, and then I CRASH!!!

For the most part, HS'ing going well, but it is hard. I daily wonder how long will I will do this? Should we put them back in school? What school?

Then I remember all the great changes we have seen since we began this journey.

The boys are much better friends.
Adam's reading has improved 100%.
Adam is much happier, more relaxed, and self-confident (the reason we began this adventure)
Adam's handwriting is noticeably better.
Andrew is much less angry.
I feel fulfilled with my purpose (most of the time).
There is no negative junk coming home from school.

So 'my' life will have to wait for now. I am not really sure what 'my' life would look like, since before homeschool, I spent my days driving to/from school, volunteering at school, and doing the nightly homework battle. Maybe, I can go back to blogging and photo taking as I spend my days guiding the boys in the work....maybe?

p.s. Lexa is doing full-day Kindergarten and loving it! (I love it too :))

Trying Hard to Make Time to Blog

2011-11-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

So Far, I have only been successful in playing with the formatting gadgets. This is much easier than summarizing our life, our schooling, our activities, and all our ups and downs.

Here we are at the ~~end of October~~ start of November. We are thankful that Meric's months of travel have ended, and we resume life with 2 parents. Taking on homeschool for the first time, with Meric on the road was no easy task.

Despite the insanely busy weeks, we have found time to enjoy the beautifual Fall days. We continue to enjoy our decision to homeschool, and our days together.

Here are quite a few pictures from the past few months. Enjoy

Our Little Guy

2011-10-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

This has not been the best week for Adam.

Last Monday, he broke his hand in a bike wreck with his brother. Fortunately, he was his usual tough self and did not really complain.

Today, he had his heart checked for Coarctation of the Aorta. This meant he had an extensive MRI of his heart and arteries while sedated. The sedation did not go well, and he is not happy about it.

We love you and your deformed heart.

Not in a Million Trillion Billion Years

2011-09-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

...would I have thought I would write these words. We are officially homeschooling. Yes, this is the reason there have been so few blog updates.

Here is the quick scoop:

It is going well.

It is very hard.

It is very rewarding.

There are many great moments.

There are many challenging moments.

We are thrilled we are giving it a try.

Enjoy a few pictures from our days.

Working on their math.

Trying to find the island the pilgrims visited before landing in America.

Very happy to be doing spelling not grammar!

Trying to find 'how' he learns, as he practices 'which'.

One of many of 'those' moments.

Having fun on one of many breaks - practicing his 'L'.

The Harvest

2011-08-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

We were very lucky, and did not feel Irene's wrath. We did not lose power, which is truly amazing. We normally lose power during a typical rain - so we were certain Irene would knock things out.

We are especially thankful, because our neighbors that lost power have been told it could be a week before the lights come on again.

We did lose lots of branches, but that too, is typical in a heavy storm. Surprisingly, we did not lose all our sunflowers, but most were looking a little droopy by the end of Irene.

We decided to harvest what was left of this year's farming escapade.

The kids are getting into the spirit of homeschooling, and said smashing all the sunflower heads was a great science experiment.

The corn patch after Irene, or maybe just, after Preston (our dog).

Dad helped the kids with this limb. The sticks we left for the hooligans.

The bruised and battered sunflowers.

The sunflower graveyard.

Harvesting the sunflowers, a.k.a., the science experiment.

I love the pictures of the corn. My guess is that they look better than they taste.

The pumpkins survived as well. We now have 3 growing.

Pumpkin 2

The original big daddy of our pumpkin patch.

And maybe # 4 on the way.

Not in the Mood to Blog

2011-08-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

... can you tell?

I just don't want to write about the earthquake, the hurricane, our travels, longing for school to start. I am bored, and what I have to say feels very boring.

I am bored of endless days to entertain the hooligans.

I am bored of all the jobs I need to do but continue to avoid.

I am bored with all the housework that screams for attention.

However, I really don't want the excitement of Hurricane Irene. I am content in our boredom. Life is good and dull.

The most exciting thing is watch the pumpkin grow. Lots of pumpkin vines, but only one pumpkin. Hopefully, our little lone pumpkin will be there after the wind and rains of Irene.

Reasons for Homeschooling

2011-08-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

One of the many Homeschool books I have browsed, said I should make a list of reasons for this choice.

I should then look over this list when I want to pull my hair out the 2nd week of school.

Here is why we are going to give this journey a try, in no particular order.

Adam wants to stay home. He specifically asked to be home-schooled.
We hope the individualized attention, and less chaotic environment builds confidence.
We hope we can move the kids at an accelerated pace in the areas they excel, and give them extra attention in the areas that are challenging (like Adam's writing, and Lexa's math).
We love the idea of a more relaxed lifestyle - traveling when we want, no rushing out the door, no homework, less rushing around in the car, fewer morning battles, the list goes on and on.
Sheltering them from negative social pressures, while exposing them to other social environments.
We like the idea of being the ones that know our kids the best, and vice versa.
A less competitive environment, whether they are competing on grades or hairstyles. Hopefully, our home will provide a more caring nurturing place with emphasis on what we value.
Knowing what they are learning, and directing their learning while learning with them.

I could go on, but I love this list, and it summarizes our motives better than I. In sum, when we researched the idea, we fell in love with the concept, and the possibilities the freedom of HS'ing offers. We are eager to see where this journey leads.

I can't leave you without a few pictures from a recent adventure. Enjoy.

The Essentials

2011-07-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that we are seriously considering Homeschooling?

We are.

What is the most important decision we must make? Of course, it is whether the kids want a table or individual desks.

The decision was made for them when we found a table and chairs for $30. Gotta love Goodwill.

I am not sure what I will teach them. I am not sure how I will live without my 'alone time'. I am not sure how we will make homeschooling work.

However, we have the essentials for the journey .... our classroom furniture.

Rejection - It Hurts

2011-07-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had hoped to post of all the great changes we saw in Alexa. However, today, I don't feel like it (yeah, that sounds mature, not).

Today, she was back to her wonderful rejecting self. Out to hurt me at all cost, and she did.

Her rejection hurt today, but yet, I will go on loving her through my pain.

2 weeks ago, we saw, for the VERY FIRST TIME, signs that she was letting her very strong guard down. She was starting to attach to us. She was being nice, normal. It was pure jubilation.

The party ended, as we had been told it would. However, we must cling to the knowledge that there is a wonderful little girl behind the think walls. She will come out again. We must believe this.

To better understand what the heck I am talking about, read this AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL post on parenting a child with RAD. I love this Mama, she shares this journey with compassion and beauty.

Summer Continues to be Busy

2011-07-07T03:58:00.000-07:00

Again, so much to say ... and no time.

The weeks go by quickly and we have seen great changes in Lex! (more later)

When not playing, we have been researching lots of schooling options and may have come to a decision - Home School! (again more later)

For now enjoy the pics.

Building a Fort

Ready to Ride to Dad's Office

Loving the New Bikini

Celebrating the 4th

Young and Full of Energy

Old and Wrinkly

Sporting a New 'Do

Prepared to Canoe

...and they are off ... without Adam

We love our Library from which we got new Drawing books.

Quick Update on Summer

2011-06-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Summer is in full force which means little time to blog.

Here are a few photos from a few adventures.

A pretend chef is as close as anyone gets to 'cooking' around here.

He desperately needs a haircut and a napkin.

Can you tell we had smoothies for Lunch?

Enjoying the pool, and each other! We treasure moments like these.

---------------------------------------------
91) A cool summer run
92) A few moments when Lexa acts 'typical'
93) Remember a new response to crazy behavior
94) Having the choice to home school
95) Summer rain showers

What do we Have in Common?

2011-06-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

I find it fascinating how so many kids that have been through trauma express similar symptoms. Is there some secret book they read on how to behave if you have RAD?

I want that book, so I can rewrite it. Here are the cliff notes, just from Chapter 1, of how to act if you have Attachment Issues:

You focus only on the negative
You have freaky weird habits regarding your bodily functions.
You constantly ask ridiculous questions, like why is the sky blue?
You constantly repeat the same things.
You always answer with 'I don't know'. Especially if you want to piss your parents off. (Of course, you really know the answer to the questions, but don't tell anyone.)
You try really hard to have a bad attitude about everything.
You require an explanation for everything, even when you already know the explanation.
You stare at your parents until you drive them absolutely nuts.
You do not laugh, have fun, smile, or engage with your family. Unless, you are in public then you act completely normal.
You don't stay with your parents in public. Just pretend like you are not following them - that really get them irritated.
You don't do what your parents ask. In fact, it is best if you do the opposite.
You babble and chatter incessantly.
You don't ask for what you want. You just state facts, like 'I am hungry', 'this is hard'.
You always need to go to the bathroom when out in public.
You argue with everything your parents say. Even facts, like the sky being blue.
You care only about yourself, and think only of your survival, even when you know you are safe.
You always respond with 'I don't want to', even if you might want to.
You never try your hardest, no matter how good it feels to succeed.
You have frequent, unpredictable fits of the most ridiculous things.
You steal, lie, cheat, and always act as if you never do these things.
You ask controlling questions all day long: 'why', 'what are we doing',
You act like you don't know how to play and as if there really aren't a zillion toys in the house.
You mumble and whisper so your parents can not hear you.
You act wonderful, fun, engaging and excited with strangers, but never do this at home.
You try to surprise your parents with your crazy behavior
When you are told no, make sure you freak out.
You either run around like a crazy animal or walk like a snail to control your family.
You keep track of everything, with extreme hyper-vigilance, that everyone else in your family does and gets.
You make sure you always keep your body stiff like a pencil.

And that is just in the intro of RAD behavior 101...There are so many more 'common' RAD behaviors ... all aimed at controlling your parents and keeping them emotionally distant.

Oh, unjoyful it can be raising a RAD child! NOT!!!! I love the child,and HATE the RAD behaviors!

A Glimpse of our Weekend

2011-06-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say, but so little time. For now, pictures will have to do.

Saturday, was a little rough with Stinky Face (explanation to come later), so I escaped to power washing.

However, I was quickly replaced by ABO.

He woke up this morning complaining of sore shoulders ... it is not as easy as it looks!

Today, Stinky Face has been easy to be with, so we ventured out.

We toured our local art museum. After 14 years living here, this was our first visit.

It may be our only visit for the next 14 years, but we are glad we went.

3 kids at an art museum - not a barrel of laughs.

The outdoor sculpture garden was much more fun.

Happy Summer

2011-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

Most people celebrated the start of Summer yesterday, Memorial Day.

We celebrated, specifically Little A, today with the opening of the pool.

The rest of us hope to go for a swim AFTER the chlorine does it's thing!

Gotta love the crazy kid willing to swim with the frogs and other critters.

Therapy ... A Reminder of Which One of us is Crazy

2011-05-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

I love when we have a great therapy session. Really, I had a great session with Lexa's Attachment Therapist.

Lexa watched a movie during the entire session as I vented. Boy did I need to vent. Here is a summary of the session as a reminder of the challenges we face.

Trying to parent a child with:

Reactive Attachment Disorder
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Actue Stress Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

...will drive the most 'normal' of people nuts. I needed to be reminded that Lexa's instinctual patterns of behaving are not typical, in fact, they are crazy.

There is no shame in calling it crazy, in fact, there is great acceptance and understanding. She does not know how to relate in a typical, healthy, loving, attached manner. I am growing increasingly okay with this reality.

Her trauma has wired her brain to react to everything in fear. Her fear produces a hyper-need to control ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!

She is wired to push me away. This means she is constantly rude to me to the point of being abusive. Her #1 goal in life is to make sure we do not have a relationship (This alone will drive the most sane person crazy!).

Her fear, from which she does not know she is reacting, makes her try to stop all true closeness and relating. She only feels safe when she keeps people (especially me) away.

She knows when she is driving me nuts, and this brings her comfort. (The unhealthy part of her is at peace, as the teeny tiny healthy part of her craves true love.). She does her crazy behaviors over and over again - to make sure I don't like her, so I don't love her, so she doesn't come to love me.

This is how her past has trained her to react to people. People cannot be trusted. People hurt her. People bring suffering. She can absolutely only ever trust herself.

Our job is rewire this f#$%&! ed- up way of living!

We must go back and teach her as if she is an infant. Unfortunately, we are not working with a blank slate, but lots of strongly ingrained negative beliefs. We must undo her wacko way of relating, and replace it with a healthy love.

This is not easy. This is why it takes approximately 3 years to fix every 1 year a child has lived in chaos/trauma/stress. Yeah, by the time she graduates from high school we may be able to relate - at least we have something to look forward to!

The more I realize how broken she is, the more I am learning how to best parent her. I must out crazy her crazies. I cannot parent her in a 'typical' manner because she is not typical.

I am having fun being unpredictable, weird, funny, loving, clever - I even talked to my invisible friend Sally yesterday (modeling a healthy relationship). I love seeing how it challenges her patterns of fear and control.

I feel I am building my base of how best to parent a traumatized child, and it gives me great hope. There can be healing and I believe there will be .... in time.

Trying to Pursue Happiness

2011-05-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

I realized it has been a LONG while since I added to my Joy List ... guess that says something about how joyful I have been - very.

It is a Christian duty for everyone to be as happy as he can. (CS Lewis)

Here's to trying to focus on happiness and the joy of the journey...

86) Safe travels

87) Kids playing Lego

88) Putting the black sheet in the window

89) Open gym

90) Big A saying 'sorry I didn't obey you'

What Do You Think?

2011-05-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

If Little A had not just chosen to shave his head, would he be the taller younger brother?

Thank goodness for the pouffy hair!

Tall or small, shaved or long - we love you both!

Teenagers

2011-05-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Adam thinks teenagers are cool.

I used this to my advantage last night. Since sleeping is not his greatest strength, I reminded him that teenagers LOVE to sleep. Teenagers sleep as much as they can, going to sleep easily, and sleeping as long as possible.

It was brilliant, he quickly rolled over and slept.

However, my great plan back-fired tonight. I reminded him how he needs to go to sleep like a teenager, and then I asked for a goodnight kiss.

He then says: teenagers do not like to kiss their Mom, so I was left hanging.

Goodnight, my adorable little 'teenager'.

7 Months as a Family

2011-05-18T04:13:00.000-07:00

Guess it is time for an update. I am not really in the mood, but if I let too much time pass, I may quit updating at all, and I don't want that to happen.

I am not in the mood to post because I am tired of repeating the same ol' stuff.

The boys are doing well, and Alexa continues to make slow, okay - very slow progress.

I am trying to focus on the positives in our lives, and spend less time obsessing on the struggles. It is much harder for me to write about my gladness - hence so few posts!

However, I am glad. Glad we have 3 kids. Glad to see Alexa's depression lifting. Glad to have spent a week with my parents. Glad to be feeling a little more like my self. Glad to have a husband who is supportive. The list of glads could go on and on, but I won't bore you with the mundane details of my life.

Our life is really wonderfully ordinary. For that I am thankful.

Easter Pics

2011-04-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Easter was a beautiful day and we enjoyed all the sunshine.

Here is a sampling of the fun we had, enjoy!

(courtesy of our photographer Adam)

Notice, there are no pics of Egg Hunting or Baskets - the Bunny skipped our house this year!

The Grump

2011-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Lexa brought this picture to me, and asked: 'which one is me?'

It took a second, then I realized, the stick figure with the grumpy face. How accurate her drawing is!

She tried to pretend to be grumpy - no need to pretend on that one - we get plenty of it naturally.

However, the family portrait did make us laugh!

Joy Journal - So Much Thankfulness

2011-04-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

68) A wonderful week w/ Blainey & Papa

69) Great beach weather

70) A hot sweaty run

71) The beach

72) Alexa doing 'okay' (we expected awful)

73) Sharing the parenting burden for a week

74) Words of Wisdom

75) Being reminded that 'our base is great'

76) A new perspective on parenting

77) A change of scenery

78) The comfort of my Mom & Dad

79) Baby alligators

80) Boys' behavior

81) Tears

82) Canoeing with Blainey

83) Wheel of Fortune with Papa

84) Safe travels

85) Kickball on the beach

Get Over It

2011-04-12T06:49:00.000-07:00

It is time to say goodbye. Goodbye to many of Alexa's beliefs and fears.

In an effort to be empathetic, we have been saying 'we understand this is scary', 'we know this is hard', 'we understand your sads', etc. On some level, these statements only reinforce her depression.

After 6 months home, it now time to say - NO, we are not scary, we ROCK!! The truth is that, yes she has trauma to grieve AND she has a great family now.

Our therapist is now encouraging us to say: get over your grumpies, get over your fears, it is okay to have fun, live life and be happy because we will always be here for you. (of course we won't actually say, get over it, but we are to push hard for focus on all that is safe and loving).

If nothing else, this new attitude is good for my emotional state, as validating all her negative feelings was REALLY bringing me down.

We can be sympathetic to her grief, and encouraging of her joy.

We can remind her that it is okay to love. It is okay to have fun. It is safe to be a part of this family because this family is forever.

I sure hope these new approach helps. We need a change. We believe she needs a change.

To symbolize that we are done with the old, and now celebrating the new wonderful life she has, we had a necklace ceremony.

We said goodbye to the China necklace

We said hello to the new heart necklace - a symbol of how much we love her.

We love her so much that we are not going to let her wallow in her yuckies any longer!

It Made Me Laugh

2011-04-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

In our 'hood, dear ol' Preston is known as the crazy dog.

He runs all day long, chasing squirrels, birds, shadows, trucks, cars, bees and ~~anything~~ everything else that moves.

He keeps us, and all passerby's entertained.

As of late, he has been barking at the same squirrel incessantly. It does not matter to him, that said squirrel is no longer in the tree. The squirrel was once there, and so there under the tree Preston will bark.

However, our wonderfully dumb dog does not think to bark when he gets himself in a jam.

He does makes us smile!

The Ride of Our Lives

2011-04-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

We have been told the process of Alexa's healing / adjusting to her new life will be the ride of our lives.

It is.

We have good moments, terrible moments, good days, bad days, chatty times, extreme rude times, pull your hair out moments, and I could gobble you up moments.

(Not to mention the boys, who keep me on my toes - huge understatement!)

I want off the roller coaster, but I will keep going! I do believe God has a sense of humor - giving me the longest stint on a roller coaster known to man. I always raise my hands in the air - either from joy or frustration, and I always try to end with a smile.

However, when we make our annual trek to the amusement park - the coaster will have lost ALL allure for me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

61) Running in shorts

62) Big A saying 'I'm thankful for you Mom'

63) Little A's allergy issues getting better

64) Discovering a new playground

65) Good finds at the library - I love an escape book

66) Advil

67) Boys who will smile for pictures

Wonderful Changes

2011-04-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

I wish I had time to share all the amazing changes we are seeing in Alexa (much more will come when I have a few extra time - you know in about 10 years!).

There have been many recent moments when she let her guard down. During those minutes, we see a girl full of caring, silliness, energy, kindness and joy.

We must be quick to enjoy these little treasures - as soon as she realizes she let her guard down, it goes back up. That is okay, it gives us a wonderfully encouraging glimpse of what is to come.

This was our morning's gem:

Mom: Adam do you want more sausage?

Adam: A silent nod

Alexa: 'Adam, you need to say, yes please Mom.'

The queen of unresponsive rudeness is giving Adam advice on how to be kind and polite to Mom? Go figure!

It is so sweet to see that smile!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54) Little A sleeping through the night
55) Remembering to stretch
56) Flowers from a friend
57) Great advice from our attachment therapist
58) Our new thalassemia doctor
59) Flip Flops
60) Free pintables

Maybe I Have Done Okay with One Kid?

2011-03-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Adam is an awesome kid. I am so amazingly proud of him.

He makes me feel like maybe I have done something right. This is a great feeling compared to the constant, 'I hate you' feeling from Alexa.

Here is the deal. Throughout this adoption journey, I have been impressed with the boys' ability to deal with Alexa. They keep loving her and they, too, get nothing back.

This morning, Adam is putting on a personal circus for Alexa: silly faces, funny noises, tickles, knock knock jokes, dancing and more!

Alexa's response - the BLANK STARE.

It is hard enough that she breaks my heart day after day, but to watch her break HIS heart well that kills me!

I remove him from her, and ask how that felt?

Adam's wonderful response: 'Mom, I just want to cheer her up, and she does nothing back.'

How could this wonderfully silly, beautiful, fun face not make your smile?

It makes me smile, and cheers me up all the time.

I love this smile, and his desire to help, love,and heal.

Together we will keep reaching out, and keep on smiling.

What Does RAD Look Like?

2011-03-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder
RADish - One with RAD

Alexa is our littlest Radish. When I read other blogs, I wonder what RAD looks like in others' children. I wonder if their Rage is similar to ours? I wonder if how other's children behave in the middle of the 'acting out', or in our case 'acting in'?

Our RADish shuts down. She controls her environment by doing nothing, saying nothing, responding to nothing - ALL DAY LONG. She refuses to engage in ANYTHING!!! She expresses nothing. She becomes a very strong willed brick wall.

Here is what it looks like - this is me trying to get Alexa to smile back at me. She does not.

On days like yesterday, I find hope, in knowing others (like this family) have walked this path, and reached the summit. Occasionally, we see the summit, but we know we have a long way to go.

5 Months Home Today

2011-03-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

The Good

Her thick stone walls are slowly coming down.
She asked if she could put the boys' backpacks in the car this AM.
Her English is super. She has trouble pronouncing certain sounds - but she tries very hard.
The MAJOR meltdowns are no longer frequent.
This morning she said: 'I want to be nice', and she does want to be, and is slowly learning what this means.
She 'enjoyed' a hike this weekend.
She recently asked if she could join me outside. This is HUGE. She made herself vulnerable by asking if she could be with me (the answer was YES)!
She is sleeping through the night
She is engaging with the boys occasionally.
She does enjoy physical touch and snuggles.
She enjoys her dance and gymnastics classes.
She loves school, and despite her disassociation she is learning her letters, numbers and shapes.
She is learning to ride her scooter.
She has been healthy.
She has a good heart under all her fear, anger and sadness.
She recently started joining the boys with knock, knock jokes.
She must have known I was 'talking' about her - she just said 'I no like this'. This is the 1st time she has said she does not like a food/drink (it was OJ).

We could server a plate of cauliflower and liver and she would say it is great!

The RAD

Lying is constant - although ridiculous. Here are some samples:

Mom: What is that yellow on your face?
Lexa: There no yellow on face.

Mom: You just had snack at church
Lexa: I no have snack at church (as she eats Goldfish from church)

She really struggles to make eye contact with me.
She is obsessed with food, and it is one of the few things in which she finds joy.
She either doesn't know herself or doesn't share herself. She says she likes everything or nothing. There is little authenticity.
She tries to control almost everything.

This ranges from refusing to put socks, walking VERY slowly, to crazy questions. This has to be one of the hardest challenges. Her attempts at control are insidious and subtle.
Control can seem so innocent, but in an attachment challenge child it must be addressed and broken with love.

Much of the time she is hyper-vigilant, withdrawn and emotionally shutdown.
She continues to struggle with depression.

She has trouble expressing any feelings other than sad and happy.
She really struggles to express frustration/anger, so she turns in inward, hence the depression.

Her go to response with me is a blank stare without saying a word.
She displays excitement and affection to strangers/friends, but not to her family - well sometimes to Dad and the boys, but not to me.
She struggles to play alone or entertain herself.

Our Journey as a Family

Adopting a girl has been a blessing to the boys.
I am learning a new level of acceptance, one I never thought possible (but I can't say I always like it).
I am a much better Mom than I was this time last year, gone are my days of YELLING.
I LOVE having 3 kids.
Our family feels complete (although despite the tough times, I dream of a 4th).
I have faith more than ever before. I know this will be really good one day.
I am trying to slow down.
I have had to face, and continue to, some ugly parts of who I am. It is hard to admit, but the growth she forces is a good thing.
I am so thankful for the good in our lives - good jobs, health, friends, times.
I have learned I can't 'fix' Alexa (or anyone else), but I can do my best to provide an environment for healing. friends
I have learning how true it is - that I can only change/control myself.
I feel I have a very blessed life, and for that I am truly grateful!

5 Months Ago Today

and our family today .....

Enjoying the 1st Day of Spring.

Mom and Lex - Notice her Fake Smile.

He would NOT give a 'good' smile.

Thanks to our photographer Adam.

Long Bumpy Road

2011-03-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

I am slowly, very slowly, learning how parenting/life is a long and bumpy road. As Scott Peck said, Life is Hard.

It may go smoothly for periods of time, but there are always unexpected potholes along the way. When the road is smooth and beautiful, I forget there will be potholes around the bend so they always catch me by surprise.

Our choice is what we do with those potholes. I can get sucked down into their depths. I can bump over the holes. I can embrace the change they bring to an otherwise beautifully monotonous life.

Today's potholes are a sick kid, bickering bothers, and rain. Really they are nothing in the scheme of things. In fact, the sick kid has enabled me to stay home and get some long overdue chores done - maybe the boys will appreciate their clean sheets - but I doubt it.

I appreciate the ability to look as these bumps as just that, little bumps that help me slow down, and help me enjoy the road when it is a little more predictable. Through it all I hope to grow into a better Mom and a better person.

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46) A great weekend

47) Lots of sunshine

48) Safety while running in an unexpected thunderstorm

49) Clean sheets

50) Runts - the candy

51) Newly filed papers

52) Progress on tax filing

53) Learning to breath slowly

Doing Time

2011-03-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

There are days I feel as if, I am in a type of jail.

Prisoner of my daughter's pain and overwhelming fear.

On days like these, I can only show up, try to be patient with her, and hope that tomorrow is different.

Yes, today, was one of those days. A day where I feel like I am doing time, doing time as her caregiver until hopefully one day she will want me to be her Mom.

She needs time to learn that we will always be here. She needs time to learn how to trust again. She needs time to learn to let her walls down, and let us be her parents.

I feel a peace settling over me with this long journey we are on with her. This peace feels good.

I let her control where she can (i.e., to shower or not), and I leave the rest.

I try to notice when she is not able to really 'be' with me (i.e., she will not look at me), and I make the most of it by being with her even though she can't let us be 'together'.

I am thankful that is now okay with me (at least for today). I can let her be and give her time to heal.

By giving her this time, and letting go of my hope to have an instant daughter, I give myself the gift of acceptance and trust. Accepting our present, and trusting in the future.

2 Good Days

2011-03-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

I think we are on a little streak of Alexa letting her walls come down - ever so little.

I am hesitant to write about it, but we are seeing changes. Subtle and real.

She is still VERY guarded, fragile, sad, pouty, hypervigilant, scared, and repressed.

However, she is letting little bits of her true self show. And we love it!

Yesterday, our potentially 2nd good day in a row (yes this would be a 1st), was about to end with a crash and burn.

At bedtime, she wanted to fight EVERYTHING. She was tired. She was sad. She was dysregulated. She needed to go to bed.

I had an AHA moment - stop the craziness, let her control, and get her to bed ASAP.

Another Mom, with a RAD child (reacttive attachment disorder), explained it very well.

Don't fight with her

(i.e., I ask do you want to shower, she says NO, I say okay)

Empathize with her feelings

(i.e., I know you must be SO cold - as she changes into PJs in our 90 degree bathroom. She uses 'I cold' as an excuse/control tatic for everything!)

Do not engage with anything negative

(i.e., if she says something I COMPLETELY disagree with - like 'my toothbrush not wet', after I made it wet - just get it wet again)

Hold, Cuddle, Rock Her

Fortunately, she loves to cuddle and be close. I can walk around the house carrying her, cleaning up and getting stuff done, and she feels better being close to me (of course, my back really hurts, but it is worth it).

I am learning. She and I are slowing learning together.

At night, when she is tired and cranky, I need to THINK about MY behavior.

I need to be very mindful of all MY responses.

I need to be calm. I need to be gentle.

I need to validate her ~~crazy, irrational, immature, ridiculou~~s feelings.

I need to let 'IT' go, if at all possible.

I need to question my every thought - does this really matter?

So we went to bed, with 2 'good' days (which only means she is a little less guarded). The 2nd day was hard. However, I was able to actively love the brick wall of Alexa and we are starting to see very tiny cracks in her facade.

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41) 'Feeling' books from the library

42) Carpools

43) Warm indoor pool

44) Deep breathing

45) Reusable brithday gift bags

Big A's First Gymnastics Meet

2011-03-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

Big A had his 1st gymnastics meet this weekend, and loved it.

I loved watching him have fun, and perform the routines he has worked hard to learn.

Best of all he came in 3rd overall. He was very happy.

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36) A beautiful sunrise
37) Antibiotics
38) Each precious smile from Alexa
39) Mint gum
40) Pop Chips

On Days Like Today, She Might Say

2011-03-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

It is hard to say goodbye.

Why am I going?

What did I do wrong?

Why doesn't my China Mommy want me?

Why do I have to go?

Where am I?

Home.

What is home?

I feel sad.

So lonely.

So scared.

I want to belong.

I want it all to end.

I want someone to care.

No I don't.

Please someone make the pain stop.

Thankful For

2011-03-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

Alexa continues to struggle today.

Yesterday, was only a precursor to today's meltdown

Oh well, might as well count my other blessings.

29) Time to take Adam to the Doctor

30) Signs of Spring

31) My Mom

32) New Swiffer

33) My Mom's Support

34) Mom's always answering the phone first thing in the AM.

35) Growing acceptance

In case you can't tell, I couldn't do this without my wonderful Mom.

This is Hard

2011-03-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

She finally smiles today, after MANY rough moments.

This is so freaking hard. Before 8:30am, I had been ignored, slapped, yelled at, pestered, stared at, and badgered just about to my breaking point. Oh, and this was on top of out right defiance.

As she is screaming 'I not mad', she is kicking me. Go figure - I guess these behaviors are signs of great joy?

These behaviors continued throughout the day, including a tantrum in the parking lot of her beloved dance class. She refused to wait for me before running into the parking lot.

Unfortunately, us Moms have to keep our kids safe, so I insisted she wait for me.

As soon as her tap shoes are on, she becomes wonderfully engaging. She loves on Ms. T her dance teacher, and shares lots of giggles with her class.

At home, it is a different story.

"These children are terrified of being hurt again, so they reject nurturing from their new parents....So the challenge becomes how to nurture someone who repels nurturing." From Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Peck and Regina Kupecky.

Strangers get soft touches (yes this is inappropriate), engaging smiles, excitement, energy, and displays of all her art and toys. I get nothing! I get all the crap she can dish out, and today it was plenty.

Yet, I must go on and try to heal the hurt child inside. Oh joy. I get to continue giving her the one thing she needs, LOVE, the one thing, she fears the most, LOVE, the one thing she refuses the most, MY LOVE!

Welcome to the world of older child adoption. I hope others' enjoy her smiles as they are not meant for me - not yet.

2011-02-25T08:25:00.000-08:00

Big A is at that age where he is losing his innonence.

He seems to be impacted more and more by his peers.

However, he IS holding on to a few of this Mommy's apron strings (is that the right saying?).

He is not a big fan of riding the bus to school. I am okay with this.

I am not a big fan of the bus either, because, well, kids will be kids. Unsupervised and free to run/talk amock - the kids test the limits. I am very happy to make the drive and give him one final kiss before he goes into school.

This morning, Big A said he wanted to ride on the Blue Bus not the 'Cuss Bus'.

Yes, his idea, the 'Cuss Bus' ....pretty cute! I love that he knows the bus is not the best enivironment and that he is choosing his Mom.

As if that was not enough to warm my heart today.

On a whim, I decided to feed Alexa her cereal this morning. The thought being that this may help build trust between Alexa and I.

She liked it, and I liked the forced eye contact with Alexa (yet, another thing with which she struggles).

After a few bights, Big A notices what is going on, and jumps in to encourage his sister.

He says: 'great eye contact, Alexa'.

Oh, how this boy melts my heart!

Piecing the Puzzle Together

2011-02-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

I should have seen this sooner.

Transitions with her brothers are VERY hard for Triple A.

As soon as the boys get off the bus, she goes into hyper-vigilant controlling mode.

Which always results in the quote: 'I need snack.'

Big A is not much different. Transitions continue to be challenging for him. He likes routine, predictability, and reassurance of what is to come.

I have known for years that transitions and change are tough.

It amazes me how many times, I put the pieces of our puzzling children together. I seem to do the same puzzles over and over again.

I like to think that with each child, I am presented the opportunity to grow.

GUESS WHAT?

Number 3 is presenting LOTS AND LOTS of opportunities for me to become a better person and hopefully a better parent - but that story is for another time.

For now, I want to remind myself how much Alexa needs me when the boys come home.

Today, Alexa and I rocked for about 30 minutes and this cuddle time seemed to help distract her from her trance of fear based control.

I hope I remember this one! In an effort to remind my poor OLD brain, I hope to post many reminders of what seems to help our attachment challenged child.

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24) MVO coming home early

25) The growing ability to stay quiet in the car

26) Easy Cheese - Yeah, I eat the junk

27) The end of swim team practice

28) Great adoption/attachment books

I Can't Even Begin to Explain This

2011-02-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

I will try.

This is Triple's A Mantra.

When she is tired, she asks for food.

When she is thirsty, she asks for food.

When she is bored, she asks for food.

The list goes on ......

Yes, it tries my patience, so I decided to have fun with it.

'Cause ignoring it gets to be VERY hard.

And no she could not have been hungry after just eating a HUGE hot dog.

One of the many joys of adopting an older child.

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21) A great outing w/ a good friend/neighbor

22) Fresh air

23) The giggles and energy of the boys

Trying to Get Unstuck

2011-02-20T06:22:00.001-08:00

Part of adopting an older child means, we must reparent her.

We must help her change the beliefs that hold her captive.

These include: she cannot trust us, love us, believe us, enjoy us, feel safe with us.

To her, it feels like she must maintain her compulsive self-reliance. She must protect herself at all cost - even if that means pushing our love away.

She must, at all cost, not accept her new reality. She cannot, no matter what, believe us.

Why?

Every time she trusted before she was devastated, abandoned, alone, and hurt.

She believes parents her hurt - they break her heart.

To help her heal, we must meet her where she is emotionally.

She is about a 2 year old emotionally. A scared, sad, hurt 2 year old.

Like all 2 year olds she wants to do the opposite of what I say.

I wish I stumbled on this sooner.

This morning, I took a hammer to her walls.

I put her worst fears into words and met her where she is/was.

I told her 'no matter what, do not believe that we love you, do not believe that we will take care of you.'

'No matter what, do not let our love in. No matter what, do not let your sad out.'

What happened? She cried for the opposite.

She screamed, cried, and begged to be loved and cared for.

She screamed: 'I need love.'

She cried: 'I need Mom take care of Lexa.'

She begged: 'I let sads out'

As she cried, I held her.

As she screamed I rubbed her back.

As she begged to be be loved, I loved her.

I was with her in her pain.

By sharing her pain it becomes a little less consuming.

We do love her, we do take care of her, we do know she is sad.

We pray she accepts that she is okay. She is safe. She is loved.

Big A joined in our little healing game - as we said, make sure you don't smile.
Big A was trying to keep her from smiling!

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18) Power that went out and came right back on
19) A weekend in bed
20) A heating pad for my very sore back

Is This Progress??????

2011-02-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

It is 44 degrees.

Sunny.

Just Gorgeous Outside.

So That is Where I will Be.

Unfortunately, Little Miss Sunshine is required to be outside too.

This is what I got today, is it progress?

I don't really think so.

I told her it was warmer in the sun - so she chose to stand in the middle of the driveway.

Maybe she has a future as a Mime?

In case my tone is not completely clear.

THIS DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!

The therapist says it is because she it too scared to play. Maybe so.

I also think it is also a power struggle.

Somehow I have to disentangle myself.

Her attitude is taking away the joy I USED to get from fresh air.

How I respond is my choice ...so she can only steal my joy if I let her.

RIGHT??

Okay, I admit it ... I struggle not letting this get to me. Ugh.

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12) Big A's reading

13) The sun

14) Finding soccer balls that had been buried beneath snow

15) Little A's great night sleep

16) Peaceful bedtime routines

17) Not being late to Bible Study

Happy Valentines Day!!!! I Love You Guys and Gal!!!

2011-02-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

I had high hopes of getting V Day donuts for breakfast, that did not happen.

I had marginal hopes of going out for an afternoon snack, that did not happen.

Just not in the mood.

Fortunately, I had a few surprises for the kids.

The boys are in LOVE with Lego Ninjago.

Triple A is in LOVE with Caillou.

I am in LOVE with my kiddos.

Love (and Gifts) Make the World Go Round.

Gotta Love that Smile

So Happy to Have Her Own Caillou Books and Dinosaur Rexie.

(Caillou has a Dino named Rexie too)

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8) A 40 degree run this morning

9) My good friend who called just when I needed it

10) Laundry put away

11) Purex All-in-One Laundry Sheets

They Had Fun After All

2011-02-12T04:23:00.000-08:00

The boys have been on the Winter swim team for years.

This is the first year, I have not forced swim meets - just practice.

I decided they had to attend at least ONE swim meet - the YMCA League Championships.

They said it as awesome, so much fun!

Great, said I, you can do Summer Swimming too.

They said it was not THAT much fun.

The pictures make it look like it was all fun and no swim. Enjoy.

The reason he loves swim meets - unlimited DS time.

Swimming a lap every once in a while is a small price to pay.

The line-up. I hope the only kind he ever sees.

Serious and ready to go - even though he is still swimming FLY for the team.

The boys cheerleader.

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4) Gluten Free Chocolate Dipped Donuts
5) 2 Hours to Browse at the Library ALONE
6) A surprise gift of Flowers from a Friend
7) Early to Bed for the Kids

The Report Said She LOVED to Play Outside

2011-02-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

One of the few things we were told about Alexa was that she LOVES to play outside.

Well, we have yet to see even the TINiEST indication that she enjoys outside.

Nope, she does not want to spend a second in the Sun.

It feels like Spring here, a balmy 36 degrees.

In case 36 does not sound warm. It was 10 degrees this morning.

I was THRILLED to bask in the Sun.

Gather Pine branches.

Get my does of Vitamin D - I have missed it.

Not so for Miss Outdoors.

This is how Miss Pouty Pants enjoyed the Sun.

First, she chose to stare at the brick wall.

Yes, Miss Sunshine has on about 20 layers.

Apparently that was too much FUN, so she moved inside the garage.

Then that got too exciting, so she turned back to face the wall again.

So when people ask ... how is going?

I hesitate, and say GREAT!

How could I not enjoy Miss Sunshine?

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1) Triple A took the bus to school AND home from school

2) Big A's teacher told me his is doing VERY well in school, especially his academics

3) The boys had a great time at their swim meet.

Happy Birthday Little A

2011-02-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Our last picture of Little A as a six year old.

Doesn't he look really different as a sever year old?

Happy Birthday Little Love!

One Week Later And

2011-02-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

... life is still all about snow days. Fortunately, we broke the pattern of 2 school days a week, and only had a 2 hour delay today.

The forecast looks favorable to finishing out the week in the classroom.

This is GREAT news because we now have a new issue at home.

In an effort to prepare for the latest round of snow/ice/rain, and the potential power outage. I remembered to fill the tub with water (we live in the 'burbs and rely on well water - no power = no water).

The problem is I FORGOT to turn the water off ... FOR THREE HOURS!!!

This is what happens when you test the limits of your tub overflow drain. We have a very UGLY design on our downstairs ceiling.

Hopefully, this will motivate us to finally fix many things on our 'to do' list.

Ugh ... Another Snow Day

2011-01-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

Trying to look the bright side, today was warm. You know, above 20 degrees.

It was just right for building a snow thing - no clue how to build an actual snow MAN.

Our poor snow thing has celery eyes and nose, and nothing for a mouth, but we had fun.

Could Not Find my Button

2011-01-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

It is said that kids know how to push their parents' buttons.

My kids have my 'easy button' on speed dial.

They pester, yell, nag, and scream at me, until I lose control and scream back - acting younger than them.

Well, guess what - this is not a very productive cycle. No one wins.

We all end up grumpy, stressed, and frustrated.

Yet, we return to what we know. Until the known is SO uncomfortable, we take baby steps into the unknown.

Having a 3rd ~~stranger~~ child has made this pattern SO VERY uncomfortable.

I have put my little toe in fresh water. I am trying hard to change my reaction to the ~~monsters~~' kids' button pushing.

No surprise, I have plenty of opportunities to practice my new response.

Recently, they yelled, screamed, and cried - yet, I was able to mindfully select my response.

In this instance, my choice response was to calmly put the child back on time-out until the child chose to comply. It took 25 minutes.

25 minutes of the child getting up and me putting the child back.

There was screaming, spitting, crying, and grabbing. This time, none of it came from me.

I remained the grown-up. I felt peaceful amidst great chaos. I felt love for the flailing child.I felt success.

The one thing I no longer felt was chaos, and that was sweet.

My easy button is chaos.

Chaos scares me. In my fear, I create even more chaos in a false attempt to gain control.

They create chaos, I unleash the fury - so the cycle goes.

Life with a Stranger

2011-01-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

One of the many challenges in bringing home a 5 year old child about whom we know nothing, and who speaks no English, is that she feels like a stranger. She is a stranger. A very stressed stranger.

We don't laugh at the same jokes. We can't even share jokes.
She doesn't know why I am being silly and lovingly teasing.
She can't tell us if she likes lima beans or cookies.
She can't tell us what she did at school (granted the boys don't do this either).
We don't know her interests. Although, we are figuring out she loves Babies.
She doesn't share our love of being outside.
Her idea of lots of activity is climbing to the kitchen stool 3 times a day.
We don't know if her behavior is just 'her', or adoption related.
We are different and yet the same - we long to know each other.

It is tiresome to live with a child on whom we have imprinted NOTHING.

I want her to become her own person, developing loves, likes and dislikes. However; I long for the day when we feel like a family. When it feels likes she is one of us. When we really know each other, and are comfortable together.

I long for the day when I no longer walk around waiting for the next HUGE meltdown. I long for the day when she can really share her thoughts, feelings, memories and desires.

As the longing grows increasingly impatient with the passage of time. I was very touched to see her look like one of us - a little crazy and wild.

Here is our blossoming gun toting ballerina, letting a little of the boys wear off on her.

Our Artists

2011-01-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of Big A. He has been asking to take an art class, and today we got our act together and went. We found an Artist who teaches kids out of her house. This morning it was a class of 2, so it was like private instruction.

He spent 2 hours drawing a nature scene with the teacher and 1 other teenage student. He looked out the window and this is what he saw. He thoroughly enjoyed the process of art.

We think the outcome was pretty good.

Another Big Crash and Burn

2011-01-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

However, this time it was I who went over the top. I lost it, big time!

After almost 3 months of patience, compassion, love, and kindness as Alexa screams at me, I was drained. I had no more love to give, my tank was empty. I could not endure the latest tantrum from Alexa.

The only thing I had to give was exactly what she was giving me - frustration.

I yelled.

I screamed.

I ranted.

I stomped.

I lost all control.

It was NOT pretty.

It has been hard to hold it together during Alexa's extreme tantrums. I had done well, until last night. Fortunately, the episode ended well.

Alexa stopped screaming. I stopped screaming. We had a love fest.

What did I learn through this draining fit of mine? I was reminded of my limits. I was reminded that I need to take better care of myself. I was reminded what NOT to do when she screams at me.

On some level, I believe Alexa wanted to get a reaction from me. That is what she knows best - having shared that her Foster Mom used to hit her (I just yell).

I want to teach her that there is a better way for both of us to learn.

I learned that we can do this. It is not easy to change ways of connecting. We will have set backs, and we will move forward. It will get better.

Her fits now seem to happen weekly. They used to be daily. This is progress. It is getting better even though it rarely feels like it.

We can now talk about what happened. I apologized to her for my bad choices. She admitted she made bad choices too. There will be more bad choices.

There will also be more love - in time the balance will improve.

Until then, I will work on improving my own emotional balance, so I can be there when she falls apart.

A Big Day for Little A

2011-01-11T08:06:00.000-08:00

Little A ~~loves~~ loved to suck his finger while playing with his ears. About 11 months ago, he got a brace put in to help him stop this habit. Yesterday marked the end of this adventure. We are so proud that he is now brace and finger sucking free!!

The last pictures of the brace before going into the Orthodontists.

Our little go, brace free, and very happy!

Congratulations Little A - We are so Proud of you!

The Dinner Party

2011-01-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

A friend had a 'dinner party' for young boys. It was required to dress up, and this boy does clean-up nicely! Of course, he does have a little spaghetti sauce left over, otherwise I am not sure we would recognize him.

They Don't Do This Enough

2011-01-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

... have a front yard game of football. The pictures are not great because I refused to leave the comfort of the front porch, but you get the idea. Boys + mud + football = fun!

The Past Week in Pictures

2010-12-29T07:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas was great. Our visitors the best. The chaos overwhelming. The cleanup ongoing, and the pictures priceless. Enjoy.

Blainey and Adam ready for pajama day.

Adam with his Superheroes!

There is a long funny story behind the TO jersey.

Our Ninja.

Enjoying a snuggle with Papa!

Our wonderful Blainey & Papa - thanks SO much for making the trek East!

Andrew being a great Big Brother. He continues to amaze us with his gentle, kind spirit under the Ninja.

The annual Gingerbread House ... like everything, running a little behind schedule this year.

There was lots of snacking during the decorating.

Football guys for our football guy.

Her first real snow, and like us all - not a big fan of coats!

Andrew in his element - outside!

Almost 2 Months Home

2010-12-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

It feels like we have been home much longer than almost 2 months. I remember I gave an update around 1 month, but I don't remember what I said.

I do know things have gotten smoother and more stable which feels nice. We really enjoy having 3 kids, and getting to know our little girl. As with all kids, we have good days, great days, and hard exhausting days. We are thankful that we continue to have more good days.

Here is where we are:

Lexa smiles a lot more often.
After weeks of her saying: 'Lexa sad' we mostly hear 'Lexa happy'. She will even joke with the boys and say: 'Andrew mad'.
She understands A LOT!
She pesters her brothers.
She and I started preschool, and she loves it. I hope to drop-out of preschool after the Holiday break.
She loves to eat, anything! She is our leftover cleaner outer, and loves it all.
She is going to her own Sunday School class with a smile.
She started swimming lessons which she also loves.
She loves to sing, and just about has Jingle Bells down.
She has used more craft paper in her 2 months, than the boys have in 8 years!
She HATES going outside. She HATES the cold. She HATES fresh air.
She tolerates the dogs. She will politely say 'no, thank you Preston'. Preston, on the other hand, will continue to pester Alexa despite her manners.
She LOVES her dance class and had her first 'recital'. She loves wearing her leotard and tights on 'dance day' - all day. She could watch this video all day - we hope you too enjoy it!

Wordless Wednesday: Girls

2010-12-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

Lexa's idea of fun! I could really get used to this.

Sunday Snapshot: Dear Santa, ...

2010-12-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

All I want is my 2 front teeth. Ha! If only it was THAT simple.

As you can tell it was a BIG week for Adam.

Tuesday, he lost the first tooth, and we called him Fang for a few days.

Saturday, was more exciting as he lost the 2nd tooth.

Now he looks scary! Hopefully, in the next 30 days, he gets the contraption out and 2 new teeth in.

We think he is pretty cute, as our little Santa.

Wordless Wednesday: Princess

2010-12-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

It was a first, fancy painted nails and a matching fairy dress.

Oh, how she loves to be the center of attention!

Inspirational

2010-11-30T11:46:00.000-08:00

I had big dreams of updates during the holiday weekend, but life got in the way.

We missed our time with family this year, and stayed at home. This was most certainly what Lexa needed.

Fortunately, it meant we were in town for a very touching Memorial Service.

Our Bus Driver had been battling Pancreatic Cancer for about 7 months, and passed away just before Thanksgiving. Mr. Jay was more than just the guy who drove the boys to school. He was/is an inspiration.

He was always happy, welcoming, chatty, and caring. He was a special person in all the lives he touched. We are glad we knew him.

The Memorial was very touching as all the kids on the bus wore their Be Driven shirts, and the local High School Football team wore their Letter Jackets. I am glad we had the chance to say goodbye, and sad that our time knowing him came to an end.

A Few More Smiles

2010-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

I think we may be starting to turn a corner. Not a sharp change in direction, but an ever so slight bend towards progress. For this little step forward, we are thankful.

A great Fall day made for wonderful moments. Enjoy!

Makes Me Smile ... Something Has To

2010-11-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

I didn't write about this because I am still sore from the event - emotionally sore that is. Monday was our worst day yet, with at least 6 hours of meltdowns.

The big problem was that Alexa refused to get in her car seat when we were out. I would get her buckled in, and she would just unbuckle - this went on for a good hour.

I was panicked that she will figure out that she can unbuckle anytime she wants and control whether or not we go anywhere. Well, she could until today.

We have been talking to an adoption 'attachment' counselor, who encourages us to let Alexa regress as much as possible (so we can give her what she missed). Lexa loves this! She has taken to a bottle, a pacifier, and today she was thrilled that we got to purchase a new Baby car seat for Baby Ling LIng - as she refers to herself.

She was all smiles as I placed it in the car, and buckled her up.

Little does she understand. She is now captive to my ways. She cannot undo the buckle, she cannot escape mid-carpool run. You go Baby Ling Ling!!

One Month as a Family

2010-11-16T05:32:00.000-08:00

I missed our 1 month gotcha date, mostly because each day feels like a month in itself.

However, we have made progress over the past 32 days. Here is where we are as a family, and what we are learning along the way.

A little about Alexa (aka, Ali)

She continues to grieve very hard. This is the polite way of saying she still has daily tantrums.
She can be silly and funny.
She does not like to share her Mommy with her brothers
In fact, sharing in general is very hard for her.
She is voluntarily saying English words (No, eat, wait, No, shoes, drink, all done, No and No). It took about 3 weeks at home for her to use a few English words.
She can count her fingers: 1, 2,3,4,5.
As we had been told, she loves to sing. In English, she will sing her version of Happy Birthday, The ABC Song, and Jesus Loves Me.
She loves her dance class - especially that she gets to spend the entire hour admiring herself in the room of mirrors. The Spring performance will be adorable!
When asked to write her name, she will very clearly write, 'Ali.'
She had her first haircut, and loved it.

As for the Rest of Us

The boys have been fabulous. They try to comfort her during her tantrums.
The boys have changed 'Baby's' diapers and pushed 'baby's' stroller on a walk.
The boys have complained about her getting all the attention and the noise level of the tantrums - which is to be expected.
Meric has fallen in love with his little girl.
I am adjusting to the loss of my freedom and dealing with a very emotionally fragile little girl.
I still don't know how to do Ali's hair.
I enjoy the moments when the 3 kids are playing and enjoying each other.

In sum, this is hard, and will probably continue to have its challenges for months to come, and that is okay. We feel good about being a family of 5, and for that we are very thankful.

Love at the Playground

2010-11-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

.... 'cause we have not had a meltdown for 24 hours, and that is HUGE around here. I am a little nervous that if I write about it, I may jinx this tiny step forward.

I will take the risk, and share our moments of progress.

Alexa is repeating lots of English. In fact, she motioned tears and said sad. Later in the day she said 'Ling Ling sad'. I believe she has lots to be sad about, and it is so nice to hear words and not screams.

We also had a few giggles as Alexa, Adam and Baby played at the park. We have tried to name Baby, but since we still can't name Alexa, Baby may have to wait.

A HUGE thank you for the American Girl Bitty Baby - She is in love!

Her first time down a twirly slide (for both of them).

I love how he is trying to figure out how her eyes work.

They have lots of fun together.

Baby enjoyed her first time swinging.

Alexa is in love with Baby.

Good times by all, including Mom. A beautiful day and I remembered my camera to capture the moments of joy. Seeing their smiles does bring me joy.

Sunday Snapshot: Smiles & Lots of Trials

2010-11-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

I wish I had great news to post. I do not. Adopting an older child, or at least, this child, is hard. My prayer is for peace in my heart and a little more love in our lives.

The past 10 days have been very challenging. There have been a few smiles, a little progress, and lots of screaming. Ali's scream is verbal, mine I just keep inside for now.

The tantrums, when things don't go her way continue, and if anything, have increased. We are 2 weeks home, and I don't know what I expected, but I know it involved more sleep and serenity.

Here is our week in a few snapshots.

So happy to wear her dance outfit.

Oh, I how love those boys, and am working on loving the girl.

The 2 faces of Ali ....

Wonderful Adam all dressed up in an effort to cheer Ali up. Unfortunately, there is no cheering her up. We pray, that maybe I can cheer up soon.

Sunday Snapshot: Trick of Treat

2010-10-31T05:53:00.000-07:00

It was a treat to go out on Saturday night. We worried that we might get a meltdown in the middle of the fun, but we wanted to give it a try. Ha! Little Miss Ali was over the top into the celebration!

She ran from house to house as if she had done this all her life. She said 'thwick oaw twee and thwaaa uwuw' and then ran to the next house. Yelling at Mamma to gwo gwo gwo!

It was a happy evening after a hard week.

Thanks to everyone for your continued comments and support as we adjust, enjoy, and fret through this change.

Home: Day 5 ... A Glimmer of Hope

2010-10-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

I have been praying for a glimmer of hope of what life will be like when the 'new normal' arrives.

After a very rough few days, and a terrible morning tantrum - the evening was fun. The kids played. We ate dinner together. We chatted and laughed. We were silly and serious. It felt great for a few moments tonight.

This is really just a note to myself - it can be and will be good again one day.

There will be many more VERY hard days, but thankfully I saw a glimmer today.

Home: Tired and Cranky ... at Least Mom Is

2010-10-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

Day 2 home and all is well. All be it, we are tired, adjusting, cranky and happy at the same time. We really look forward to geting back to 'normal'.

Alexa loved exploring her toys and dress-up materials. The fake fancy shoes were her favorite.

Our first outing to church. The boys couldn't be doing better with their sister. We are so proud of them.

Home: 10/22

2010-10-23T04:45:00.001-07:00

We are home safe and sound. It feels cold and wonderful.

We had a great 24 hours in Hong Kong, and an easy smooth flight back to Newark.

It was wonderful to be picked up by our good friend, and debrief on the trip.

I can hardly wait to share more photos, thoughts and feelings on a real computer, with fast service and no one blocking anything! I love love lover being home.